Hall of Finished Projects 2016-All

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

That Panic Feeling (swearing involved)

This is not going to be a cheerful post.

Currently, I am supporting 4 people on 49k. You would think it would be okay right? It evens out to about 35k after taxes and health insurance stuff. But keep in mind that if anything goes wrong, if anything big needs to be replaced? I'm fucked.

Well, that has happened. My stove stopped working (but one burner is still working), my tires have cracks in them (3/4 of them do), and my fridge died this morning.

So yeah.

You know what I was watching last night? The Martian. He says that shit is going to go wrong and you either accept it and die, or take each problem one at a time. Well, I'm not sure how to prioritize these problems. Do I fix my tires or buy a new fridge (somehow, it is more expensive than the tires)?

I spend so much of my time trying to hide my frustration, anger, fear, and just try not to take it out on the people in the house who are doing the best they can too. But you know what? I cannot get a credit card to pay for this stuff, and I sure as hell could not pay it off if I did get approved by some miracle. Bills are hard enough to pay each month.

So I am flipping out now. I have reached my limit. If I was that guy on Mars, I would fix the fridge. I would do my own tires. Hell, I could probably even rig the oven to work.

But I am not. I'm a knitter, crocheter, loving mom, and writer. So instead, I've reached my limit, flipped out and started to cry. Because I cannot fix it. I cannot make money appear out of thin air. I cannot fix it all and still have food for everyone, even with me eating ramen soup.

This is me overwhelmed, wanting to both scream and crawl in a hole.

Instead, I write, and work on opening up my chest.

What I mean by this is, when I get upset, I clench and tighten and cry. Instead of rolling into that ball, I am opening up and accepting that "yeah, this fucking happened" and saying to myself "hell yeah, I should feel this way". Relaxing into my emotions that are overwhelming me. Literally relaxing into it and then the breath comes more deeply.

When I have high anxiety or panic, I feel as if my spirit is literally grasping all around for solid ground. For something to hold onto. But we are not solid, we are energy. And when we get so stressed and panic-stricken that all you can do is roll into ball and hold onto that energy, and sob.

But why do we hold onto that energy? We're encapsulating it into ourselves and causing our own suffering, rather than giving ourselves space inside to feel the stress and releasing that energy. When we release the energy, we feel less overwhelmed, panicked and anxiety-ridden. Try it. Know your body!

Step 1) Lean Back. You cannot open up your chest space if you are leaned over.
Step 2) Relax your chest. This could mean taking a deep breath, or simply giving yourself permission to feel upset.
Step 3) Deep breaths. Take deeper breaths
Repeat steps 2-3.

Wish me luck!