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Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Sick and Miserable - This Will Be Short.

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  In all honesty, I really know that my anger and crankiness today is a result of the two big facts:

1) My period is just about to arrive, so honestly a part of this is depression.
2) I still have a stomach bug and should be home laying down and napping.

I am angry and frustrated that I cannot rest when my body is demanding it of me. In fact, just writing that sentence makes me tears well up in my eyes.

Deliberately, I do not talk specific frustrations that are happening in my life. These blog posts are not my personal life vomit journal entries. But let me just say that I am as frustrated at life as I could be and my spirit is fighting over this simple meme:

  No one says this is easy. It isn't tangible as fixing a hole in the wall, or coloring your hair. It is a perspective change. It is realizing that when you are so tense and frustrated spiritual arms are actually up and in defensive position, as if you are boxing. The only person you are hurting is yourself because we are all so wrapped up with ourselves that we don't even see other people's depths.

  The surface is rarely our true selves, especially when we are reacting to others. We are not reacting to them, but to our past experiences. I'm slowly trying to see this but right now life is throwing some bricks at my family and I am doing my best to be grateful for what I do have.

  So, although I am sick and miserable today, and unable to lay down and rest as my body is demanding. I am grateful for the following things.

1) My two daughters. They are the light in my lives. When I was growing up, I never wanted children, but these two beautiful souls chose me to be their mother and bless me with their light and laughter every day, even when they cannot find a napkin they drop that is practically on their foot haha.

2) My mother. She was told to abort because of the risk that I would have colon cancer. She chose me instead and brought me into the world, raising me the best way she knew how in a family that had not loved her for the gentleness she personified because her body was tall and at times large. She has always supported me.

3) My husbands true self, which is far kinder and more understanding than he realizes.

4) Being cancer free, and my families health.

5) Knitting and Crocheting to keep the dogs of depression at bay.

Be well!!