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Thursday, March 19, 2015

No Quiet for the Knitter

      
       What I really need today is peace and quiet. Alone time to let my overwhelming emotions wash through me so that I can find my center. But that isn’t going to happen, because life isn’t that easy, right?
The true test of being at peace with oneself is in finding the calm inside even without the calm around you. If you can do that, than half the battle is won.

But achieving this calm self in the storm does not mean denying emotions.
It means:
·       acknowledging them,
·       recognizing them,
·       than letting them flow through and out.
          The reason for feeling any emotion is valid, even if you really do not know the true reason for them. For example, we may be mad at someone in our life but what we really are feeling is betrayed by that person for how they acted towards us. That is a difference, because just being mad at someone is one level of emotional understanding. 
           The next level is understanding that being mad at someone is complex and involves our own life experiences, what we expect from others and what we expect from ourselves. For example, on top of feeling betrayed, maybe you feel mad at yourself for putting yourself in the position to be betrayed, especially if it has happened more than once.
         As a child, I asked my mother for help to label emotions that were overwhelming me. But what I was really asking for help on was:
                               “Why was I feeling them, and what do I do?”


          Knitting helps put us in a meditative state where we have the opportunity to do more than let the emotions flow through us, and perhaps allow our yarn to acquire a certain saltiness. Knitting can be as simple as the two main stitches: knit, purl, knit, purl. Very much like, breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out. Focusing on these two actions can calm the mind.
          When the mind calms we can examine not just our feelings but what lies beneath them. Unfortunately, I have to work today, so my ability to knit and meditate with my knitting, is not as high as I would like. So instead I sit at my desk and breathe in (knit) and breath out (purl) as much as I can.

Part of my problem is simply that my period is days away, which causes my hormones to fluctuate and affect my emotions. The other part of my problem is that yesterday my sweet oldest daughter was named Kid with Character and the way things laid out, I couldn't be there to see her get the award. 
When I talked to her on the phone after she got off the bus, she was crying because she “almost” fell off the balance beam in gym that day. When I got home she cried because she suddenly didn’t want her favorite dinner. My own guilt and upset feelings caused me to not see the problem right away, but when I did, that she was upset that I wasn’t there so that she could thank me for being there.
I hugged her and told her that I was as upset as she was about the situation, but sometimes things just fall out that way. I explained on how I was thinking about her at the time her event was and cried a little on the way to work over not being there. It made her feel better knowing how much I cared.
Then we sat down together, I knitted, and she chatted about her day without any more outbursts. Ahh the guilt of failed parenthood lol.
Knit, purl, knit, purl.
Breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out.
Be well!
Jen

Tangledmania