Part of the problem with moving around alot for a few years is that even with the online wave of connection it's still hard to stay close to people you use to really know. So now I'm 31, and pregnant again and I'm lonely.
My husband has herniated discs so he's always in pain and really has no time for me or my loneliness. So I miss a few people that I'm just not close too and honestly have their own lives and problems their living. Just like when I was a teenager, and I noticed that people have very little time for others who aren't always in their immediate vicinity. I don't blame them, it's not like that. One has many children to care for and a college degree to work on, the other has a boyfriend recovering from brain surgery. So I'm probably more sympathetic to their not having time for me, but that doesn't stop me from being lonely.
People suggest family, well my family is not close or they are false and I keep my distance; so no help there. So I'm left with ghosts, memories, regrets, and the hormones and uncomfortability of having cancer, being pregnant and being so lonely.
I worry that this will hurt my raising of my daughters, how can I show them about real relationships and life when I have none? When my most meaningful relationships are with ghosts?
Slowly, ever so slowly I'm making new relationships.. But I'm so hesitant and fearful, and shy. I have no idea what to do and will likely not make the first move.
But today, today.. I just want to huddle down in bed, watch the rain fall and cry. Tears just flow down.. every day.. a waterfall of loneliness. And wish I was surrounded by arms and support, when I'm not. I have to be that support.