Hall of Finished Projects 2016-All

Saturday, December 31, 2011

2012.. To Come

Well, it's 2012 and here are my goals.

1) To be less negative. I can be downright mean in my head and while a health amount of sarcasm is good, being mean just will make my soul sick.

2) I ordered two books: Jane-A-Day and Reading Journal for Book-Lovers.  These are pretty self-explanatory and only call for short entries. When the diary is just blank I feel as if I need to write pages and pages and it's a little intimidating.

3) Get rid of my cancer.

4) Get A's in all graduate classes

5) Love my children deeply and unselfishly

6) Meet up with friends

7) knit and crochet lots :D

8) and stop typing and saying "I" so much... That again is pretty obvious. :) have a great holiday!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Strange Days

At work I've moved to a new office where I get to watch the entire building come and go from the elevators hehe.

I've stopped taking prozac and yet I'm still hyper and pretty happy.

I'm actually wearing heels today (freaky, I know).

Reading "1,001 Facts that will Scare the Shit out of You" is cracking me up.

Abby is 15 weeks this week and is really laughing now.

My 4 year old is becoming OCD as she arranges the xmas tree balls on the tree by color... What have I done hehe.

Forgot my knitting today.. crappiola..

Naps on the bus rock, but evil ladies who recline their seat in front of me so that it hits my knees turn me evil hehe.

A snow storm is coming tonight... so get to work and get free food.. or stay home... hmm.. the free food is making it debatable... :P

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Back to Cancer

So Abby is 14 week sor 3 months and a week.. wow. I cannot believe it... Lizzie is 4.. I really do have awesome kids. I mean they both have their moments but they smile and Lizzie is learning about empathy (which is really good haha) and the laughter in the house is so helpful.. especially right now.

  The reason for the "..."'s in this blog post is because I'm stressing (or freaking) about having made the appointments for my radioactive iodine stuff again.. This means I have to be scanned to make sure the blood level in my tissue is back to normal, then I swallow one or two pills that make me so radioactive (for a few days) that I could set up bomb alarms at federal buildings (anyone for a trip to the O'Brien building?). Also I cannot be near my kids and will be isolated at Albany Med for a few days..

  The good side.. I get to sleep whenever I want too. :-D

  The bad side.. I'm just plain scared.

  But at least the worst is over, my last pregnancy is over (yay for tied tubes) and csection is healed up, and school starts after the therapy is done so that will be great. I do not love the time graduate school takes me away from my kids, but I do love being in class.. And what I'm learning.. Also it will help me work in Schoharie County rather then in Albany hehe. Thinking long-term.

  So there it is.. Back to Cancer but thinking positively. I'm definitely uncertain but I can do this. I made it through being sick during pregnancy and having two surgeries last year in a row.. and another csection that frankly sucked haha. I just have to swallow a pill, possibly have nausea for a few days and dry mouth. Hopefully will no longer be stage 1 cancer anymore thereafter. Here's to hoping :-D

Monday, November 7, 2011

Thoughts of the Day

Jane Austen is good.

Kevin Sorbo still rocks, and so does his wife Sam!

Ravelry.com is probably the best website on the planet!

Gmail is better then yahoo or aol.

Knitting is more fun (right now) then crocheting. Better? No, just more fun presently!

Waiting for yarn in the mail SUCKS!

Next June I will be going to Manchester, NH to the Knit and Crochet Show at the Radisson. I will be there, even if I have to bring my newborn with me!!!! :P grr. hehe.

And life swings up.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Austenatious Crochet by Melissa Horozewski - A Review

"36 Contemporary Designs from the World of Jane Austen"

Now I will admit, I am a fan of Jane Austen. I love her books and the art from her times, but not always the clothes that are designed to be crocheted and knitted. Sometimes they are too short or stodgy. The short problem is again here, which is probably a style point of the era but still not my favorite lengths of jackets. I downloaded this book on my Kindle (whether smart or not I'm not sure). Now with a Kindle you can access your books on your computer and with books that have large pictures or graphics that is what I suggest. Besides, it's easier to open my laptop and go to the book then it is to try and prop up my Kindle, whether small sized or the largest size (as I'm using now as I broke the screen of my old Kindle.. boohoo). Another advantage to viewing it on the computer is that the pictures are more clear and in color. I'm not knocking black and white but sometimes a little color can bring out the contrasts so we can see the designs a little more clearly.

  The book is split into 7 long chapters that have several designs in each. At the beginning of each chapter is a theoritical conversation between the characters of the famous Jane Austen books and Jane Austen herself as she's writing them. It's very humorous and cleverly done, good job Ms. Horozewski! There are trivia in the chapters (which is always fun) as well.

  The patterns are well written and clear, I threw together a few easy ones (I will post pictures once I get my computer camera fixed and running). Lyme Regis Scarf worked up perfect (be careful counting all 219 chains.. phew), and was fun to do a scarf from side to side instead of lengthwise. All Buttoned Up was just wonderful and as long as you check gauge (especially if planning on using a different yarn brand) is also very easy and the buttons are a great touch! I used yarn I had hanging around in my stash.. Have to do something with it, after all. So in general, I believe that the patterns will work out. Take your time, breathe, grab a cup of tea.

  One problem I did have with the book was the placement of the pictures. Normally a picture of the item to be described and pattern written out is at the very beginning of each pattern, instead this author has them a few pages in. Whether this is the Kindle or not, it is very annoying as it requires some backtracking.

  In general the book is clever, well thought out and fun. I'm looking forward to getting my hook's into Emma's Hood, the Wicked Wickham jacket (though I will be making it longer), and the Eat Your Heart Out Willoughby (just for fun, as well as the matching skirt). If you love Jane Austen, would like to crochet some fun pieces or perhaps fun costumes, this is worth it and I give this book 4 1/2 stars. Keep in mind that the half is taken off for the picture placement which, on my Kindle, drove me mad :P and may not reflect the physical book in your hand.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Clouds Lifting

Okay, I know, I've been extremely down and very depressed for over a year; dealing with cancer and a sick pregnancy just sucks so forgive me as I am human. Had my Abigail Rose on August 22nd, she came the day before my scheduled csection haha. All of the stress from the first pregnancy was pushed aside for a few good reasons:

   A) My husband stayed up and took care of Abby every night for the first two weeks after I got home.

  I know, that is amazing and not many husbands do this. It actually made me very grateful to him and him appreciative of what I went through during my first pregnancy. I was so rested that people I ran into outside of the house actually remarked on how rested I looked for having had a baby recently haha. Also, losing all of the weight I gained while pregnant helped.

  So things are looking up, I still have to deal with the cancer, but after what I've gone through over the past year and a half I feel as if the hard part is over. I likely do not have any more surgeries in the near future and taking a pill or two that makes me radioactive in a way that I really won't notice (unlikely to have nausea) is not as bad as the damn spinal they worked on giving me.

  Speaking of which, has anyone else had a spinal done that hurt their back? Mine has not been the same since..

  Back to tangled, or untangling haha. I'm working on the Augusta cardigan from New England Knits again, the two fronts are almost done and all I have left are the two sleeves. My knitting and crocheting bug has reappeared in full force and I can retrieve the yarn from the bags I hid it in during my pregnancy so it doesn't make me sick (yes, just looking at yarn made me sick). I'm reading the Yarn Harlot again (such a funny and great book) and planning school attendance in the Spring..

  I miss my kids, I'm at work, and life is not perfect (as in I don't have a car and bills are still being scrambled to be made) but as usual, I can do this and part 1 has passed (the pregnancy).

  By the way, my Abby is freakin fantastic.. How do I get so lucky as to have the best little girls in the whole entire world?

Monday, June 6, 2011

Community, Bullying, and on Being Bitchy

You all know the old saying, "leave your personal life at the door". Yeah, I love that one. I'm not a robot, anybody else? The closer I get to giving birth (I'm seven months pregnant) the more cold shoulders I get from secretaries in other offices. I have NEVER acted that way towards another person going through hard times and just do not get it when others do it. I am not asking for a shoulder to cry on, I'm asking for you to smile, to not avoid looking at me when I walk in the door to drop something off. To not get snippy at me the day I come back after being on bedrest for preterm labor. I'm not trying to make anybodies life difficult by taking time off, and the more stress I get from work the more my health suffers. Gee could there be a connection? Could be!
  My boss asks me if I could take less time off. I was in labor at work for an hour before I said anything and told him I have to go to my doctors, he asked me if I could lay down for a while and see if it would go away. Now, as someone who doesn't have kids, I'm sure that sounds reasonable to him, but my doctor wanted me to come in. So stupid me that doesn't want a confrontation, I go and lay down for an hour and leave after that without a word. Had contractions for a total of 3 hours before they stopped and was sent home by my doc.
  This past year has been hell. I discovered I had cancer last summer, had two subsequent surgeries to remove my thyroid and all cancerous cells. Then became unexpectedly pregnant and had to put off the therapy until after I'm not pregnant. This pregnancy has been nauseated, dizzy, and just overall crap. I just want to sleep, that's all... Sleep. At least I'm out of work in a little over an hour.. Almost there.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Child Abuse

Do you know what bothers me about that phrase? What bothers  me is the what if. As a child I was abused and neglected pretty badly by my mother and older sister and had nowhere to run. When it first started I was devestated and ran to the elementary school near my home to swing on the swings and simply cry. My speech therapist teacher saw me, walked up to ask me what was wrong, I didn't know what to say.. I just cried and she walked away. The abuse continued for another 8 years and got worse.
  So that is what bothers me, children die every day because people minded their own business. Maybe that little boy in Maine would be alive if people didn't mind their own business, maybe Casey Anthony's daughter would be alive if people didn't mind their own business and countless of other innocent children who are abused every day and it's never reported.
  Ever read "A Boy Called It?" That is a good example of how that boy suffered at his mother's hands and nobody did anything even though it was suspected. What is wrong with people? Why shouldn't we get personal? Why shouldn't we let ourselves care and get involved? Sure it may put us in danger, but we're adults now, not innocent children. If it's nothing, awesome.. But what if what you see that doesn't look right is something.
  There was an 11 year old boy who had been kidnapped and held until he was 16 by his pedophile kidnapper, he said people knew he was there and even said they thought he looked like a kidnapped kid, but they didn't want to get involved in case they were wrong.
  Or what about that guy who kidnapped the Smart girl out of her bed and paraded her around to parties with his wife. Didn't somebody think that was weird? Some people asked about it but nobody did anything active. What is wrong with people, are they just do damn lazy, scared or simply afraid to do anything? The world isn't like a horror story where if you stick your nose in someone else's business they'll always stalk you and kill you or harrass you. And even if they do, so what, maybe you saved a child's life. Sometimes people truly do disgust me and make me cry.

Monday, May 23, 2011

America "No-Vacation Nation" - Story from cnn.com

So I found a fascinating story on CNN.com about American's not vacationing for more then 1-2 weeks a year in total (on average). I know that I don't get vacation because of illness and having kids, and if I was allowed the amounts that other countries allow (Germany for example mandates legally that employers offer 4 weeks or more of paid vacation and Finland 6 weeks or more) I might be able to get more things done and hate my job less.
  Let's get into the reasons why people hate their jobs shall we? And see if workers in America really do want to work more or if the employers are so stingy they want to glean as much as they can from the working class before they drop dead (especially since most of us will probably never be able to retire at this rate).
 1) You believe you are underpaid.
 2) You believe you are doing work that is below your intelligence/educational degrees.
 3) You want to spend more time at home with your family.
 4) You want to see more of the country but can't afford the time off.

  Think about it, what other reasons do we hate our jobs? My job is not bad, in the past I have been bullied but not by my present boss and not by my professional coworkers. We live in fear we'll be laid off, and get harrassed if we take too much time off, no matter the reason. I have cancer and am pregnant and get harrassed and asked (politely but still asked) to try and take less time off. Well fine, but if you want me throwing up in my garbage bag and laying on the floor of my cubicle to stop being dizzy on my bad days, that's all on you.
  My mother does not understand why I want to finish my degree and go move to Europe or Great Britain. But it's because underneath the whole veneer that "anyone can be a millionaire and make it" in the US, the fact is that our government is run by mostly men who are also paid highly, or are involved financially in some way, with the biggest controlling companies that have moved most of their factories out of the US and into the south Asian countries where labor is cheaper. They don't want to give us vacation, we're like little robots. They don't even care if we get sick and can't get care or health insurance because they have money and no idea what not being able to afford something even means. I can't even imagine what it's like to not have to worry about paying bills month to month, and I truly do not believe they can imagine what it's like to not be able to take that vacation to Martha's Vineyard every summer.
  This is the gap I'm talking about. The folks who are in power in the federal and state governments and everyone else. The average Joe is very unlikely to be able to run for a seat in the government because it takes millions to get on TV alone.
  Do we want to take longer vacations and spend more time with our family? Yes! Is it considered a good thing to be family-oriented in the US? Yes and no. What do you think?
  To read the story go to: http://www.cnn.com/2011/TRAVEL/05/23/vacation.in.america/index.html?hpt=C2&is_LR=1

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Politics and National Debt

So this country is in huge debt, that sucks and we should cut stuff to get out. Yup. But has anyone actually thought to go back to the Clinton era and look at the finances from that time period, compare them to Bush's and now and think seriously about how to fix this by looking at history like that? We had no deficit when Clinton was in office, the whole 8 years. Why? There's alot of bickering about this cost and that and social security, what is so different now from the 90's? We haven't had a huge baby boom, a little bit more population but not enough to influence like this. So really? Why hasn't anyone looked?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Success and Moving On!

Okay, perhaps until after the baby is born and my daughter adjusts I should deal with it that she will not be fully potty-trained though she'll be four. I FAIL! haha.

  On the upside, classes are done and did well, found a sanitation pickup for the trashbags in our garage (yeah hubby that was a great idea) that will only cost $35, and managed to get outside into the sun and fresh air for two days in a row!

  Will soon battle fellow secretaries over bitchiness that is becoming rampant over my baby-brain forgetfulness and absentieism (oh so sorry that my doctor was afraid I was in pre-term labor so I had to leave work early and not come back. assholes). :D.

  Finally, I bought a mountain dew today and am drinking it. Shh, don't tell my coworkers because supposedly it's evil. Really? I can have one a day if I want, one a week is nothing. 25 weeks pregnant this week and only 14 1/2 weeks to go until csection.

  Hmm.. where is my fruity snack?

Monday, May 2, 2011

Osama Bin Ladin - I cannot rejoice..

So this morning I was feeling pretty good but everybodies happy attitude about Osama Bin Ladin's death has just dragged me pretty down. I mean exhausted down. It's ironic how you'll hear people in this country say that we're more civilized then they are over there, etc, but when something like this happens on either side people come out and actually cheer. Over a death. Somebody died.

Do I believe Bin Ladin did horrible things? Absolutely. Do I believe his death with stop terrorism in anyway? Hell no.

  And that is what bothers me. What are people cheering about? Revenge? Closer? This just ends up being a cycle where now they are going to retaliate and then we will retaliate for that and tit for tat back and forth, it's so exhausting! This is supposed to be a christian country, right? Basically that is what I've heard in the US, but if that was so, then why are we cheering over somebody dieing. Does anyone actually believe that Jesus wouldn't cry over the waste? We're fighting terrorism and hate with death and guns, instead of love and friendship. I know that sounds trite but you know why people will say that sounds trite? It's because it's damn hard. It's harder to reach out and try to understand and talk then it is to fight and subdue, but which works in the long run?

  I'm pagan, I believe in energy and the rule of three. I believe that what we do will come back on us in a worse form (if we do good in a better form). I believe that this negative energy that has been unleashed in this country to rejoice in someone being murdered is sickening. Osama Bin Ladin is now a martyr, a saint. He will likely be worshipped by some types of people and others will step up to take his place so what has really been accomplished?

  I shall not rejoice.. I cannot.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Graduate School Graduation Planning

Is that a tongue-twister or what? :D

 So I'm bored and need cheering up so I decided to figure out when I would be done with graduate school. So after this LO is born, if I got back next January, I'll graduate May of 2016. So in five years I'll be certified to be a child mental health therapist in New York State. Very cool. It's funny because I had thought that I only had to do an internship, which would have sucked, but it turns out I need to do an externship too. But it works out as I'll be finished with all of my classes by December 2014, then in the Spring 2015 do an externship. Then for the Fall 2015 and Spring 2016 wrap up my internship and I'll be done!
  I'll have to reduce my hours at my state job to do the internship but my boss knows it's coming somewhere down the line.
  Hopefully my husband is done with his college by December of 2014 so I can do that and he'll be working as a respiratory therapist, that would be nice.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Missing People

Part of the problem with moving around alot for a few years is that even with the online wave of connection it's still hard to stay close to people you use to really know. So now I'm 31, and pregnant again and I'm lonely.
  My husband has herniated discs so he's always in pain and really has no time for me or my loneliness. So I miss a few people that I'm just not close too and honestly have their own lives and problems their living. Just like when I was a teenager, and I noticed that people have very little time for others who aren't always in their immediate vicinity. I don't blame them, it's not like that. One has many children to care for and a college degree to work on, the other has a boyfriend recovering from brain surgery. So I'm probably more sympathetic to their not having time for me, but that doesn't stop me from being lonely.
  People suggest family, well my family is not close or they are false and I keep my distance; so no help there. So I'm left with ghosts, memories, regrets, and the hormones and uncomfortability of having cancer, being pregnant and being so lonely.
  I worry that this will hurt my raising of my daughters, how can I show them about real relationships and life when I have none? When my most meaningful relationships are with ghosts?
  Slowly, ever so slowly I'm making new relationships.. But I'm so hesitant and fearful, and shy. I have no idea what to do and will likely not make the first move.
  But today, today.. I just want to huddle down in bed, watch the rain fall and cry. Tears just flow down.. every day.. a waterfall of loneliness. And wish I was surrounded by arms and support, when I'm not. I have to be that support.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Finding Humor Every Day

So I know, most of the time I vent and bitch and complain. Here is my honest to goodness effort to absolutely NOT do that :D.

This morning I woke up, and rolled my 20 week pregnant body out bed and made my way to the bathroom. When I came back to my bedroom my 3 1/2 year old is sitting up in the bed with my People magazine issue open on her lap and she's looking at the pictures. She looks up at me and says "These pictures are amazing!"

Seriously.

I cracked up and kissed her and got dressed for work.

Cried all the way in (yay I know, kind of depressing).

Once I got to work, parked it and almost ran into a big truck's side view mirror (that really would have hurt). I get to my desk and sit down. Has anything else happened by 12:20 PM that is funny? Not really, this has been kind of a boring day, other then my angel saying such funny things and my other daughter Rose moving around in my stomach.

I did purchase a new memoir for my Kindle, and discovered the ignore button on the Babycenter.com board hehe (yay)! But other then to say that the book I purchased was "All that is Bitter and Sweet: A Memoir" by MaryAnne Vollers and Ashley Judd about Ashley Judd. From reviews it will be good, but like the title says, probably a little bitter.

And finally, officially, I am having a little girl and her name is Roslyn Willow Riley (Rose for short). Yay for more women in the world :D.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

On Being Crazy

So I've been reading up on child abuse, and mental health and on being crazy in general. It's so nice that I'm not alone :D and I am just as crazy as ever. I haven't been posting because I'm trying abide by the phrase "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". Doe sit help? Hell no, it still keeps blabbing on in my head. I will not talk on here about work (I do not want to get fired) and I will not talk on here about specific things that are bugging me, let's talk about general items and news articles.

  For one, Ghadafi is batshit crazy. End of story.

  For two, Babycenter.com rocks and most of the women on there are awesome. I went crazy on them this past weekend though as a one woman started a post asking people to not post about their labor stories (this is in an August 2011 Due Date group). Okay, that sucks but I can understand if it's stressing her out, but don't read it. BUT... THEN.. some crazy woman replies to her and actually says that most women are dramatizing our labor stories and they weren't that bad. What made it worse is that my own mother had said the same thing to me. The woman who asked me, while I was in labor, to be a little more quiet. Oooo... teapot screeching right there. So I replied about how harsh she was and how wonderful that she had a wonderful time in labor but she needs to grow some empathy and kindness. I mean what is wrong with people?

  Why do I end up wanting to ask people that I KNOW go to church and then come to work or into general public and act like cold asskholes "What would Jesus do?" Would he really act the way you're acting? Do you have any kindness or compassion or is your one goal in your boring life to make mine miserable, don't worry I do a pretty good job of that myself. Now given, I do tend to overreact with my pregnancy burrowing a hole in my head.. but still. How can you go to church one day and pray to god and about peace and being kind to your brother man then leave church and act like an ass. Really? I'm pagan and I'm pointing this out, doesn't that seem wrong?
 
  Oh well. apparently I needed to vent. Here is what I'll cede. I'm a bitch, I'm cranky, I'm hormonal, I'm batshit crazy, and I really need to move into the woods and get away from so many goddamn people. BUT at least if someone seems like they are in pain in any way, I try to have empathy and tone it down. At least I keep it mostly in my head (and my middle finger in my pocket). Grr.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

New York State Financial Issues

Now I will admit, I am an avowed liberal. I'm Pro-Choice (but not pro-abortion), I believe that health insurance should be available to everyone, I believe in most of the socialistic practices we have in this country. But, as with anything, they cost money. There is a big debate in New York State Government about the budget, they say there is a 10 billion dollar deficit and they need to come up with it somewhere, such as Medicaid. Now I will be the first to say that if there are abuses, we should be able to track them down. But I read an article (http://www.crainsnewyork.com/apps/pbcs.dll/artikkel?Dato=20110123&Kategori=SUB&Lopenr=301239977&Ref=AR&Show=0&template=printart ) Cuomo Faces Medicaid Hurdles
By Erik Engquist and Jeremy Smerd
Crain's Health Pulse January 23, 2011

Which actually says that though medicaid costs, in New York, 54 Billion, we only pay for 14 Billion of that, the rest comes from Washington and other localities. So what does that mean to me? It's kind of like this statistics class I'm taking, if the government officials can dupe the general public into rejecting a group of the population that they already feel as a drain, even if they aren't, then they can cut Medicaid without getting voted out of office. But what if they are lieing about Medicaid being the problem? We all joke about how lawyers and politicians lie, so let's think about this for a minute.

  If you have a budget, and you spend a little here and a little there, and a little more over there, eventually you run out of money. This is a given no matter what, my lovely hubby does that on a regular basis with his smoking habit. But every once in a while we hear about "pork barrell" funding by the individual politicians, has anyone actually added up the cost of all of that money? Wouldn't it be amazing if it was more then the deficit? I would like to see every penny and every dollar of those pork barrel fundings added up so that we could see what exactly the total is, as well as how much the politicians get paid.

  Did you know that when this country was first created and our government had to make a decision, the representative's would call the session to halt, return to their consituents, hold a town meeting, and discuss how they were going to vote. Can you imagine that? Now, we never know what they are working on, the bill's are all hidden in code numbers and do you think you could actually get through to get a hold of your state senator, it's possible but not like it used to be. How far have we come?

  This is definitely a little off from my usual rants, but there it is. Hopefully some common sense in all the lies, not that anyone will read it haha.

Friday, January 21, 2011

A New Year.. But Some of the Same Old

So I'm still a cranky moody bitch, but I can blame some of it on pregnancy! I'm 9 weeks pregnant and got to see the babies heart beating yesterday (179 bpm) and boy did it wiggle alot, which was cute. It's still about the size of a grape but it's growing so fast it's crazy. Being pregnant is one of the strangest things that happens to the human body on this planet, think about it. We expand and expand and finally birth a baby painfully, and weird things happen during pregnancy too. I thought about putting strawberry jam on a hotpocket, mixing hot and sweet.

  This is my second pregnancy, and my daughter is 3 but will be 4 years old 3 days after the baby is due, I can pick a day to have a csection so I'll probably try and pick it earlier rather then later for a few reasons, though it depends of course on how the pregnancy is going. First of all, I would like to be home for my daughter's bday, many hospitals do not let little kids into the maternity ward to see their parents. Second of all, I don't want the babies birthday too close to Lizzie's so that, if they prefer, they can have separate birthday parties and everything. If they want to have shared bday parties, cool, if not I want to make sure they have that option. Individuals :D.

  My Lizzie keeps asking when the baby is coming home haha. So cute!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Pregnant and Sick

So there is alot of conversation on Ravelry about babies, there seems to be alot of women who are pregnant and I am one of them. I am terrified and here is my story of why.

I went into labor on a Monday night, by Tuesday morning I was in the hospital barely dilated, though I was a week and a half overdue. They gave me some pitocin among other things and had me wait it out. A day later (and the night was terrible, and not even because of the contractions but because I would moan every 15 minutes half awake and my mother woke me up to ask me to be a little more quiet, how is that for shades of my childhood), they broke my water, gave me an epidural and everything froze. I was only 3cm dilated and they went to far with the epidural and gave me a spinal tap instead. My daughter and my blood pressures began to plummet, everything began to go all dizzy like. I did get numb from the chest down. My husband magically appeared, after not being there this whole time, and they rushed me into an emergency c-section. Why do you have to hold your arms out like your on a cross? That is so uncomfortable and I just wanted to bring them in. Anyway, they took out my daughter, she barely cried (because she was busy pooping rofl) and sealed me up, sending me to recovery. While in recovery they kept asking me if I had a headache, to make sure I wasn't going to be paralyzed, and eventually feeling came back in my lower body again.

  This time they are supposedly doing a scheduled c-section and if anyone has a problem with doing a scheduled c-section after the way my body did not cooperate with labor last time, they can kiss my ass.

  I'm sick, I'm tired, I'm depressed, I just want to nap and tell everyone to leave me the fuck alone. Instead, I have to be at work, dealing with things I don't really care for. I really need a nap. So that is why I'm terrified.. I thought I was frightened before.. but after knowing what could go wrong? Luckily my daughter and I are fine and she'll be 4 this year by the time the baby is born, or soon after.

Goddess give me strength, I sure as hell need it.