Hall of Finished Projects 2016-All

Thursday, March 12, 2020

Broken Dreams

When dreams are broken
And hope has dissolved
And love is a myth
Stolen away by my hand.

We live on and keep moving
Making the next step 
Caring for those around us
But dieing a little inside.

The loneliness is what rises
To be surrounded by people
But be all alone
Because no one hears you or sees.

This life is full of pitfalls
If you fall into too many
your dreams fall away
You dash them against the rocks.

The waves take the dreams away
And all that is left is the sound
Of the waves lapping the shore
And a heartbeating so slow.


Wednesday, February 5, 2020

Be A Good Girl

Be A Good Girl
Make sure to say the right things.
Don't try to hard
Just sit back and let things happen.
Happen.

Do the right things
Even if your heart breaks against it.
Say the right things
Or say nothing at all to anyone.
Anyone.

Don't be ambitious
No matter what your dreams are.
Let go of them them
To make everyone else happy.
Happy.

Don't trust them
Because people always hurt you.
The pain won't hurt
If you don't let them inside.
Inside.

You're worthy
Because you're strong enough.
To hold them all
Inside your hands as you live.
Live.

I'm stronger
Now that I have you.
I'm letting you in
And it scares me to my core.
My core.

You love me
Even when life isn't perfect.
You held me
And we worked it out each day.
Each day.

I can trust you
Even though I fear I shouldn't.
I can trust you
You've earned that from me.
From me.

I love you
Even when I hate you.
I love you
And it scares me inside.
Inside.

Thursday, January 30, 2020

Winter Can Kiss My Depressed... Butt

Barely the end of this long January and my 8 year old daughter keeps talking about how she cannot wait for February when it's warmer... Oh the things I need to teach her. And I do, she just blithely forgets in favor of her 8 year old imagination that summer is just around the corner.

The worst part about winter is that my chronic depression worsens. 

A lot.

I start out in the fall with things I want to do, plans, and then I realize as the weeks go by that just working 5 days a week, dealing with the absolute crazy stress at home and now homeschooling my oldest makes me it feel like I can barely get through the week at work.

Seriously, on Wednesday (yesterday lol), it was so painful to force myself to sit at my desk at work and do work that I had to pop into the bathroom and cry a little to relieve the pressure. Joy. I'm so strong.

The days are getting longer, but the cold just feels like it is seeping into my bones. And my effort to appear normal is painful and obviously failing..

This weekend is Imbolc, the halfway mark through the season of winter. The day in which Brigid travels from house to house and light continues to grow as the days go longer. I'm supposed to go to a friends house 40 minutes away from my house at night for a ceremony but it feels absolutely painful to even think about it.

I even have a sore throat and feel sick, with an added bonus of a migraine. But I've had worse and I really want to do more witchy things with friends. I just with I lived in the city and not out in the middle of nowhere. Also, to add insult to injury I decided to stop eating sugar and chocolate type things (not including carbs yet) so I can not be so addicted. Minus my cheat day. Maybe just the thought of doing that made me sick. I wouldn't doubt my body.

To sum it up. I cry on the hour bus ride to work, cry on the hour bus ride home. Cry in bed. Cry sometimes in my chair if no one is looking. Cry sometimes when I first get up. 

I need some antidepressants.. Doctors appt in two weeks...

Be well, or at least better than I'm doing.