Hall of Finished Projects 2016-All

Thursday, August 15, 2019

Longing For A Community

There is an opioid crisis in the USA, and it stems from many things, from doctors in the past handing them out to easily, to addiction genes, and to a general unhappiness and hopelessness that permeates the country. People don't care about each other.

The USA is built on the premise that we should pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, and if we can't there is something wrong with us. 

I declare, right now, that this is something said by people who are already rich, have had many people helping them along the way (who you know) and have got lucky. 

What we need is to help each other, to form actual communities that support each other. These do not exist anymore. The days of my mother's childhood where if a child did wrong 3 street's down the mother would hear about it before the child got home are over. In fact, we're afraid to let our children out to play because we now know about the monsters (pedophiles) who are out there, and we know there are more that we don't know about than are on the registry.

How do we do this? We all stay in our houses, rarely go out, and watch our Netflix or our Hulu and keep ourselves occupied. I am an introvert, socializing is exhausting, especially because so many people are so rude, cruel and inconsiderate of others. So I get it, I really do.

But what if we went out, talked to those strangers, enforced social contracts that people should be considerate of each other. That people should help each other. What if we created a community?

I'm not saying there are none that exist in the USA, I'm sure there are. But we watch television, like Gilmore Girls, and see a community of people. Do you know why that show was so funny, besides the hilarious dialogue? Because we ALL wanted to live in Stars Hollow. We wanted a Luke's diner and a town meeting that everyone goes too. We want everyone to know everyone and be there for each other. We don't have that in so many places. It's hard to have that, it's scary. The reality is harder than tv fantasy. 

But wouldn't it be worth it?

Monday, July 29, 2019

Caregiving Overload

I will be the very first person to say that I am a horrible caregiver. When it comes to my kids getting sick, and I have two under the age of 12, that is one thing. But my mother lives in my in-law apartment and I feel like she is declining mentally and sometimes just waiting to die. So she expects me to clean up after her, and cook her meals when I'm home. 

Monday through Friday I am away from home for 11.5 hours a day working. My husband is disabled with chronic pain and stays home with the kids. 

My faults?
1) I'm a horrible housekeeper, always have been and always will be lol.

2) When I feel overwhelmed, I tend to shut down, hide in my chair and knit.

3) I am always waiting for the next shoe to drop, and flinch at anyone in the house saying they don't feel good.

It's funny, because I miss the beach, but can't afford to go. I want to meditate more and get trained on that from a Shambhala Center but so many times this week I haven't even felt like I could go to my knitting night in town on a Tuesday after work. 

I used to envy my grandmother, her being the matriarch of the family, but she didn't work as many hours as I do. And I refuse to be as bitchy as she could be, though I do love her and she loved me, may her soul be at peace. But being the only one working, the one who pays the bills, makes the plans, the doctors appointments and has to remember everything is simply exhausting and makes me want to shut down. I'm so overwhelmed.

Doing a search online for caregiver and there are so many different types. When you care for an elderly parent, when you care for a disabled spouse (check, check). And to be a parent at the same time and the only one bringing in money.. 

I don't want to just be on survival mode, I want to live.

Going home to knit and watch ya-ya sisterhood and cry.

Friday, May 24, 2019

Depression Poetry - No excuse.

This day does but drag
On through each second.
To wish for another time
To wish for it to be done.
For my wishfulness is my curse
And nothing will ever come of it.
My trust will never be earned
Because that part of me is broken.
Fights and bickering,
Passion and avoidance.
My life is not a joy
But a task to finish.
The only reason why I haven't given up
Is because of my children.
I refuse to abandon them
Though my weariness grows daily.
So tired to the cruelty.
So weary of the cold.
So lonely for the warmth.
Broken dreams cut my hands and feet
When I crawl on my knees.
There is nothing left to say
I will not put down my handbasket.
But it will be wet
With the salty dampness of my tears.